I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
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