Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
this just has baby written all over it
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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