Soap is not a condiment
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
