So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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