My room smells like vodka and shame
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
