The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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