My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
