I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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