We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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