How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
third nipple confirmed
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
