He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
