i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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