the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
