So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
