when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize