i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize