Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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