My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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