she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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