does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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