youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
