I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
