You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
