There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
