Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
