On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
