I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
