I'm gonna have a badass scar
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
