Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
