the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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