There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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