maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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