I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
