Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
