I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
