apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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