I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
