Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
