I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
