Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
that's an acceptable place to lick
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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