1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
