Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
