i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
