She's JV to your varsity
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
