I'm lost and stupid without you.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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