Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
