Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
