I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
