It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I wish i was in the wii world.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
