Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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