I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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