I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize