Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
