The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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